Fortescue Towers

Random ramblings from the life and times of Col. Fortescue Featherstonehaugh Fortescue.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Water, Water Everywhere...

One is in something of a pickle after the Mem' discovered ones good self sharing a tub with one of the servants. Of course one protested ones innocence and pointed out to the Mem' that despite the parlourmaids obvious nubile charms that one had not noticed in the slightest until the Mem' had pointed them out that one was in fact attempting to carry out ones civic duty to save water. One has a good memory and was simply remembering the old slogan from the last water crisis to "save water and bath with a friend."

Fortunately for one the steam in ones bath chamber had affected the two rounds of bird shot that the Mem' had loaded in the Purdey she was pointing at one at the time and she stormed off uttering the kind of oaths that would make RSM McNulty blush and mentioning that one might consider taking ones ablutions with Blenkinsop in attendance in future. Of course one was utterly outraged at this. Bathe with Blenkinsop ? That would mean standing in the stableyard whilst being hosed down by Luigi and scrubbed by the stable lad with a broom and carbolic. This was not always the case as ones staff did try bathing ones gentlemans gentleman in the lake but as a result of this dead trout were surfacing for weeks and one had several complaints from the local waterboard about toxic run off getting into their aquifers.

Naturally, other than the parlour and chambermaids this only leaves Clackthorpe, Utterthwaite and Perkins. Clackthorpe has apparently vanished into the shrubbery again and has not been seen for weeks barring the occasional furtive rustling amongst the Gladioli, Utterthwaite hasn't bathed since 1947 claiming the earthy aroma means the moles can't smell him sneaking up on them and as for Perkins, well, given his little peccadilloes one would rather not have him fiddling around for the soap when one is in ones bath.

So, one simply has no choice other than bathe with the parlourmaid if one is to save water as we have been asked to do. One wonders why the Mem' is so suspicious ? After all, one is a gentleman of the highest standing. One is merely trying to do ones bit and one had hoped the Mem' had forgotten the unfortunate incident in the linen cupboard that occured some time ago.

However, one is a tad perturbed that having heard of ones attempts at water conservation a certain caddish major of ones acquaintance has taken to following Lady J with a towel and loofah.