A Jolly knees up

Had a bit of a bash for the below stairs staff yesterday. Jolly good fun was had by all although one fears that cooks decision to add a few bottles of her parsnip wine to the punch might be the cause of the hideous screaming emerging from the footmans water closet this morning. Of course, one attended briefly as master of the house then left the staff to their own devices. Nothing further shall be mentioned of the incident involving oneself and the chambermaid. We were in the linen cupboard checking that the sheets were correctly folded, the staff have been a bit lax on proper folding etiquette recently. It was all perfectly innocent and if the tabloids mention a word on the subject they will be hearing from ones solicitors.

Anyway, there were far worse goings on. Enough said although it was jolly unfortunate that the Mem' managed to get into the gun room again. At least the damage was minimal although one does think that Luigi, the under gardener has over-reacted a tad. Of course, he's continental, damn excitable those foreign chappies, can't see that Titchmarsh fellah getting worked up like that although one is told that he does scribble some quite racy novels. Couldn't believe what Luigi had done to the topiary. The great drive is now dominated by a giant...well....John Thomas, artistically sculpted from the Laurel that has stood there since Sir Cholmondleys day. It took Blenkinsop three hours to revive Lady Jacobea when she arrived for afternoon tea and the vicar is claiming it quite puts him off writing his sermon every time he looks from the window. What's worse, had some of those druid chappies turn up and start dancing around it at sunrise this morning, something about solstices and fertility symbols. Dashed nerve. Would have set the dogs on them if they had not been the local MP and chaps from ones club. Quite put one off ones kippers to see Sir Humphrey dancing round the garden in a sheet with a towel on his head and waving a sprig of mistletoe. I suppose one should be grateful for small mercies, at least they don't do that thing with virgins any more.