Election Fever

One has recently taken to spending ones time in the summer house along with a good bottle of port and a decent Stilton in order to avoid the ever increasing influx of politician chappies, desperate to win votes in the forthcoming general election, into the village. However, emerging from ones exile after running out of water biscuits and seeing the state of the parties one has decided to run for office oneself. After all, one cannot do worse than some of the current fellahs can one ?

So, what does one stand for ? The manifesto of the Fortescue party is as follows:

Education: A return to old fashioned values. None of this wishy-washy liberal stuff. Sound thrashings, cold showers, double Latin, triple Algebra, ten mile runs around the playing field before breakfast and jammy bread for tea. Every school is to have at least one VIth former by the name of Flashman and fagging will be re-established as a disciplinary tool. All games masters will have served at least ten years as an RSM and will have been discharged after findings of brutality. First years will no longer be known by name, simply as "You scrotty little oik!". Masters will have access to a decent wine cellar and the works of Plato, Julius Caesar and Socrates will be put back on the curriculum.

Immigration: A multi-racial society allows us to appreciate other cultures. However, we will have none of this unlimited immigration malarkey. If fellahs from exotic climes wish to settle in this green and pleasant land they will have to show an appreciation for roast beef, warm beer, decent Stilton, jam rolypoly and the history and etiquette of village fetes.

Foreign Policy: We are all for having troops stationed in other lands. After all it did not do one any harm facing the wily Pathan on the frontiers of empire. Cold British steel, that's what they understand. Furthermore it still means that as a nation we have a semblance of empire. In fact, one believes that as a nation it is our duty to show johnny foreigner what we are made of every so often. Can't have 'em coming over here reeking of Gauloises and onions and expecting us to do what they tell us. Thrashed 'em throughout history, not going to let 'em get away with it now.

Crime: Again, none of this liberal nonsense. Hard labour, that's what they need. Televisions in cells ? Rubbish! Sewing mail bags and breaking rocks, soon have them straightened out or at least so worn out that they won't be able to commit any crimes for at least ten years. Furthermore, a mandatory sentence of 25 years will be brought in for anyone caught wearing Burberry baseball caps, tracksuits or cheap jewellry from high street chains. Shooting trespassers will no longer be a crime although this is mainly to save one the embarrassment of having to get the mem' out of the cells yet again.

Health: Been a lot of worries about nasty superbugs. How can we ensure that patients do not become infected. Simple, cut down on the number of patients. A fit nation is a healthy nation therefore everyone will be expected to adhere to a strict PT regime. We will employ all those ex RSMs who do not become games masters to become community PT officers. Every street in the land will be assigned one of these to lead the local citizenry in physical exercise twice a day.

Defence: One is committed to bringing back national service. It has a great many benefits. All those lardy teenagers will get fit thus having an impact on health. Crime will fall due to the thieving classes marching up and down the parade ground or being packed off to defend the frontiers of pseudo-empire and once again Britain will have a strong army with which to give foreign johnnies a bloody nose. This in turn will reinvigorate the defence industry allowing the production lines to turn out Spitfires and Matildas once again after too many years in mothballs.

Economy: Much as one hates to admit it, the current chappie is doing a decent enough job. Must offer him a good bottle of port to see if one can convince him to come over to us. However, one pledges a strong economy and the reinstatement of decently sized paper pound notes and the thruppenny bit.

Countryside matters: As mentioned before on these pages we fully support the right to roam. In fact we propose new legislation that combines this with that other great pursuit, hunting. In this way the day-glo anoraked rambling types get plenty of exercise whilst being chased through the hedgerows and over the meadows by the sporting gentry and a large pack of hounds.

So, there you have it. Vote Fortescue for PM! All round decent chap and thoroughly good egg!